The Hardest Goodbye- dedicated to Jane

[thax guys, for the comments. Andrew, despite the fact that u fully disagree wif me, i fully hav to retort it... coz i seriously don think i'm as cute as my frenz hey. i might be a tiny winy bit cute, but yeh.. still opposite. =P. Ben, ahahah, thax for takin my lousy advice =P. much appreciated. bro, ur theory kinda... ok.. i won't comment =P. does dat mean u think i'm cute? cheers, hui, lotsa love, sis.]

Now it can be openly spoken about. That blog about my depression stage, where i bowled my eyes out for a whole entire day. Basically, TCP - The Cutie Pie - was my fren, Jane. She told me about how she was to move school next year, but, to make matters worst, next term. That was when I couldn't take it anymore, that was when all my care, love for her exploded. Frustration was also somewhat mixed with the complexity of my feelings for her, that day that she told me. That day...

Well, after that emotional outburst, I took all my other frenz' advice, and slowly recovered. Monday and Tuesday of skewl felt extremely awkward talking to TCP, as I knew what was coming. I knew. We all knew. Jane acted as if she wasn't worried... but now, everyone's getting emotional. Jane herself in particular of course... and I've been lending her a shoulder nearly everyday since Wednesday, without my contribution to tears. I've been playin the strong part to help her up, to make her leave without regrets, to let her leave without worries. Tomorrow will be the last day that I see her in Rossmoyne uniform, and I don't think I'm strong enough to play the older sister from now on. Liz is being so extremely nice on MSN right now, she's comforting me and understanding me so much that I thought was impossible. I would like to take this time not only to let my grief out, but also to thank all of my frenz out there who are simply there- whether providing support or listening. Frenz are so important to me... and... being separated with one doesn't seem enough in my life, as I have parted with so many frenzship that it hurts.

The hardest goodbye, tomorrow, I shall await. I sincerely hope it wouldn't come, but my rational matured mind is overwriting my naive childlike dreams- time moves on, whether I like it or not. Depression will once again haunt me for another period of time, except this time a lot longer, even though I know I have not 4ever parted with TCP. Through typing this blog, I'm at the breech of tears. I just can't cry it all out yet, but it will definitely come tomorrow.

{Jane, I will look back and laugh at the tears (Katie will be watching), I will try to move on and I hope you do too. I hope you will still be as happy as you were at Rossmoyne with the gang, as well as all the others that you have treasured. Thank you for being with me nearly throughout my life in Australia, thank you for your love, thank you for your care, thank you thank you thank you... my endless thanks to you Jane, as I will always treasure you as my friend. I know we will still be able to see each other and be frenz, but it will be different. I hope the only thing that is not different, is our frendship- I speak out for all the others as well, as we will definitely experience a BIG change in atmosphere in skewl. Endless care and love, Hui Hui.}

Staying strong, I will try. Except, tomorrow.

Cuteness- realization 2

ahahahahhahahaha... soz guys... ben's so cute!!!... man... even he could nearly match enoch!!!... =P... its so kewl!

it all started when i was in english class, boring my brains out. I was doing some "discussion to record in my records and reflections book"... then i asked ben a question. I dont remember da question, except da anser i got was a series of humorous comments, as well as facial expressions. BEN LOOKED SO ADORABLE!... he was like a lil kid juz ansering a question innocently (somethin u don see everyday), and giving off a vibe of fake naivity. =P... i still remmeber da expressions...

AND DA OTHER FUNNY THING!... muahahaa... buzz is cute too!.. i told ya i hav frenz dat are all HELL CUTE. (and cute does not mean ugly but adorable ben, have a warm glass of shut the hell up). We were calling out to ben to ask him a question, and i couldn't reach out with my pen to poke him. I sat too far away. Buzz then took his pen, jabbed it in ben's back and goes "see, this one won't work lah..."... then he changes his "weapon" to his pencil case and pokes ben, and says "this one does..."

ben immediately turns around and goes "wat?".... I WAS LAUGHIN MY HEAD OFF BY THEN!... OMG OMG... they're sooooo adorable! i couldn't stop laughin man...

i'm so glad i live in this type of cute world. it makes my day full of laughter and joy. i feel so privilidged to hav all frenz being cute people. they're all cute in different ways, but all adorable. maybe opposites do attract, as my uncute personality fully attracts the cute ones- all my frenz. right now, enoch especially. =P.

^-^b

Outside affecting Inside- and Frenz

after reading jaja's blog, the intelligent text grabbed my attention out of mid-thought, and sent signals to my mind, then fingers, to go to ray's blog. ray's remarkable blog about being "cool".

I have to say i onli agree to a tiny fraction of the outfit theory, bcoz there's a bigger picture behind the cover up costumes. well, the outfits are definitely one of the aspects you must own to join the "cool" or "popular" group. the definition for "popular" is again, different, like the explanation i gave in one of my previous blogs. "popular" or "cool" just means you look and act like the people within the group- always having made-up faces, supposedly nice hair dos (which is not actually usually the case), wearing branded surfware shoes and clothes or converse style; using "oh my god" and "totally" and "like" in every second word of the sentance, nearly alwayz discussing social aspects of life (as the time i spend with these pplz are like this), usually friendly and active, grades aren't particularly attractive, involved in some sport after school times. these are just some shallow observations, as i do not have close-close frenz amongst these people. Well, nearly all of them fit into all the categories mentioned. it's not just about the branded surfware covering the outside, but the inside is also different. oh, and i forgot, back stabbing every second minute is part of it as well. obviously this is the girl side of the "cool" people, but i don't the guy side is far from it.

Basically, friends who hang around each other tend to act like each other- after knowing one another for so long. it's not about "coolness" in that context, but just whether or not u are comfortable with them- do you have common values? can you have a discussion that can flow for 24hrs? do you like each other's company? can you all share (ideas, things) without feeling uneasy?

People tend to go the easy way and just make friends who have similar values to them. i am absolutely sure if you want to be a "cool" person, u can. if you want to be the "nerd" people, u can. if you want to be the "weird" people, u can. As long as you know what you're comfortable with (to make friends with similar values or liking other values and going towards them) and what types of friends to make, then you would NEVER have to feel- "I want to be like dat person".

d^^b

World of CUTENESS

Realizations happen everyday. well, one BIG realisation happened yesterday. I finally realised that i live in a world of cuteness.

All my friends, and I mean ALL my friends, are cute. All in different ways, but all come under the broad category of cute. issit bcoz i've grown even more mature than my average age group, or issit juz my friends' personality? it doesn't matter anyway, bcoz dis world is happi. a lot of laughter and tears of joy roll down my face being with my friends, as they are all so adorable and unique in their own way. All my friends are cute, but nowadays the more obvious ones are Jane, Meng and of course, Enoch. =P. tee hee.

This is the world of cuteness. It's in reality, which is quite a bonus. living in fantasy worlds are kinda kewl... except i don actually hav a fantasy world. usually i think about reality... and finally realising that, in dis reality, the happiness is overwhelming, is very comforting. even though not all the time my frenz are cute, especially when a lot of them are together, dis world is still kewl. one to one basis makes cuteness very obvious... so i guess i've been spending time one to one wif a lot of frenz lately.

don say u're not cute, coz when u're my friend, u r.

d^^b

PS i think i owe dat special someone a sundae... chocolate sundae.
PSS i'll like to say thanks heaps to ben, thax for letting me noe i actually inspire you- coz i don think i'm actually worth enough to inspire another being. thax.

CompliMents

[yeh ben, dat's how u spell it... =P... in da bible its heaps more complicated... so i guess his mum made his life easier =P. i'll show u him one day. cheers, hui]

Had an interesting thought today. a lot more interesting than yesterday's =P. well, it's not everyday dat you get compliments from the people you meet. but then again, not everyone is willing to give out compliments or critisms. is dis a form of jealousy in terms of giving compliments? seeing someone else have the things u think is great, so "when you can't get da grapes, you say they're sour"?

Appreciation is needed so much more in our developed world. we take a lot of things for granted... including compliments. like my fren yan, (soz, but u're a perfect example.. even though i noe ur joking... =P) she always waves off everything i comment, even when i mean it. it can be hurtful sometimes, to the person giving. i wave the hurts off too, as i noe dat she meant well. it's another type of vibe thing... where u can't help feeling the feelings, even when u noe dats not wat the person is vibing out.

i think giving compliments or critisms (not harsh ones of course) is a type of gift to everyone everyday. i still need to learn to appreciate the messages dat i get from people too... as i also wave off a lot... sometimes not even meaning the objection. onli say wat you mean, unless u're joking around, which can mean a lot to the person you're talking to.

compliments come from the heart, and the heart doesn't lie... the intellectual mind does.

d^-^b

PS enoch is still so adorable.

Grinning

yippe!!!... finally not as depressed anymore!!! everthin's nearly bak to normal.. like a lot more normal already.. ^^... hell kewl yeh?

Todai heapsa pplz had music test thingi... to modulate for some state then national thingi... weird... =P... well. i wasn't one of the musically talented, so my day was one of the normal days. xcept so much hw... and tests hey... nxt week there's still heapsa stuff on.... and we'll all get depressed afta da maths test... *grins*... i bet heapsa pplz agree wif dat statement!!!... newayz... S+E test tomolow.. juz done some notes.. relli cbb studyin... but i'll hav to... juz to freshen up mah mind... it's onli 5%... so its kinda kewl. ^^... and... ENOCH IS SO CUTE!... ok.. dat was a sudden outburst... dat was unkewl... hav to stay kewl... *flicks hair, looks stern*

So todai wasn't much of a memorable day, but hey, life's bits and pieces gets jotted down here whether interesting or not. dat's da funni thing about blogs. it's an online diary... xcept not everyday is entered.... and neither is every thought... *grins*... obviously i don rite EVERYTHING i think of in here... *grins even wider*... at least i shared da lil thing about who i think is cute... =P... btw, so's a lot of my other frenz.. enoch iz juz one of the cutie pies

alright... betta get bak to studyin.. dis blog wasn't interesting nor intellectually stimulating... i'll try to rite some other thoughts tomolow dat's kinda more... readable...

^^b

Lifting Depression

[haha... bro, thax man, ur great. well, i wasn't frowing much todai, juz wasn't smiling. i do smile a lot now, agen... but i'm still a bit upset. i noe u hate me saying dont worry... but hey, i can't say anythin else. lotsa luv, sis.]

Today was a lot better than Friday and my weekend. I actually laughed and had some great times. {thanks to all my frenz out there, who provided infinite support through the bad times. I felt so loved when everyone was trying to cheer me up. Thank you so much guys, i lurv you all too. I hope i can be as good a fren as u guys when you're down. I love you all so much.} Then, TCP was also acting normal, so i tried to go with the flow, instead of bringing up the upsetting news. (ok.. i juz had a dei javu juz then... freaky as) But it felt extremely awkward, acting like everything's the same. It's not. I rather be happi thoe... so i juz covered my emotions a little today. I don't exactly want to make mah frenz worry agen... so yeh... [soz bro, i can seriously onli say dont worry]

Well, now that i'm lifting my depression, school work weighs it down agen. ehehe... so much to do... and currently going quite broke, with so many b'days and all. it's worth spending money on frenz thoe... i juz wish i had more. Working at home doesn't seem to provide enough, but i don't hav time to work outside either. well, depression period of hui's lifetime now! And it's not juz normally depressing, but ultimately!!!

i'm cheering up thoe, so it's ok. I think. Juz don think about it, and convince myself to b happi. It's hard though.

d^_^b

Depression

It all started on Friday. Unlike "normal" days, i walked to skewl, eyes puffed and all, hoping for a good day. It all shattered when I met The Cutie Pie (TCP). She told me even more to add to my shallow knowledge, and then, i broke down in tears. More and more fluid filled my eyes, streamed down my face like a river- and my sleeves were soaked. I was very stubborn, as I see now *grins*, at what a kid i still am. I couldn't let go, at all, but now i do have somewhat accepted reality. Still very upset about the news, but it is out of my reach to control. That's why the tears of sadness and frustration. I can do nothing.

Then Saturday passed, and now, Sunday's passing too. Still feeling down, tried to cheer myself up, but maybe hormones are playing tricks on me. Yet, the news has not sunken in... when i think about it, my nose still feels funny, and i try hard to stop my eyes watering. I do not know how to talk to TCP normally anymore, even though I shall try hard. I've been trying very hard the whole weekend to actually accept, and not change, the situation. Convincing myself is harder than i thought, as my thoughts are still negative- unlike my normal self.

Frenzship is a strong bond. Makes people happy, depressed. Right now, it's emptiness.

^-^b

PS bro, do not worry, i won't kill myself.

HeAd ButTiNg yoU!

To da blog.. well, todai, i made up a new way of showing affections for frenz. HEAD BUTTING THEM!!! (on the arm, for protection =D) mah lil bro suddenly bead butted me in da morning for no reason... and i suddenly thought of "whao!... dis can b a sign of affection!"... then it started... i was head butting pplz all day long. FUN!... =P... *grins so widely cheek muscles hurt* ... some pplz (like michelle) found it kinda kewl, and started head butting me back!!!.. i felt so LOVED!!! =D=D=D... but others thought i was weird... nxt time i'll noe when to pull my made up signs... not to certain pplz... onli to others... i'm such a random person... =S

Alex (whos fren's Two Legs) was bein relli funni dis morning!.. jane and i were laughin so hard that our stomachs hurt... i couldn't smile for the rest of the morning... my jaws+cheeks+face muscles were hurtin SO much. got betta thoe, then had fun showing my affections. =P

now... bak home, writing blog. gonna start hw soon. alwayz work, work, work. gettin relli tired of it, but then agen, i don wanna fail. it's like a two sided conscience thing dat's playin stuns on me. life's like dat... so might as well accept it, and still have fun!.. Organization- the key.

Found out somethin relli upsetting too, today. whole day wasnt GREAT... but ok... i juz hope wat's gonna happen wouldn't. Tears would fill my world... and my heart, some in pieces.

^^b

rESpOnSes

[thax bro, for dat comment. hehee.. yeh me and ja hav dis coolness thing btween us, ben's got somethin else wif me. but i think ja and ben hav even more conversation so yeh... hehehe... its a differ circle... ;). lotsa luv, sis]

todai... well... firstly. i got famous for singing "the muffin man" for andrew's project in multimedia. =P... man... accordin to da claz, everyone was playin at full blast all through multimedia. da song IS quite annoying... but i hope mah singin wasn't too bad!... =P... hehehe.. newayz, no one noes yet dat i sang "itsy bitsy spider" so i'm safe for now... ekeke.. .but then.. if pplz read dis, i'll b famous once more. i guess i do love publicity at certain times, so it wouldn't matta. ehehhe... quiet times are also kewl too.. but no one noes dat about me either... i'm always da loud one in pplz impressions.

anyway, to da point abt dis blog. well, i get dis "vibe" thing from everyone rite?... and usually, da vibes alwayz send da right messages, except when i actually try to read it in detail. coz da vibes from pplz r quite everyday, so i don take much notice of em, coz i can pick it up easy. onli sometimes when i actually want to figure out some of the in detail, da wrong stuff comes out. and it's like... so... was it dis or dat?... and wat i think is neva is, so da vibes actually come out rong. i can't call it miscommunication or communication break down, coz its a thing i sense, not somethin i tolk about.

dis blog might've sounded super-natural, but hey, i have to admit i was born ultra sensitive. like MEGALLY sensitive... sometimes i read signs and vibes which i'm not suppose to, which hurts most of the time, but other times, actually helps me. being naturally observant also stinks sometimes... especially on da day afta i stay up. I get so gullible and slow dat its funny. like literrally funi, frenz crack up... ehehe.. ah wellz.. i enjoy those days.. i don hav to think... =P

i guess in the end, not guessing responses is actualy betta. juz take da signs as it is, and accept. if there's more to it, you'll find out.

d^-^b

sEcONd ChAnCEs

juz remembred somethin my ex bro, but bro agen sed to me b4... on msn... afta a long period of time where communication ceased. he asked me if i believed in second chances, and i sed wif ease, yes. he wanted a second chance, as according to everyone else, he wasn't bein vely pleasant around others.

i guess u cant change pplz personality to suit ur liking. they're wat they're, and if u want to b wif them, then make frenz. if not, stay away. no one can force neone else to make frenz wif certain pplz. therefore, i sed yes without second thoughts, and now, communication flows. isn't frenzhinp grand?... i juz love makin frenz, it's da best feeling in da world... (mabbe mum's hugs are betta... ehhehe... my mum is so kewl!.. ja.. i think i inherited it? *blows on fist and rubs on shoulder*)

so... why b wif frenz u don even appreciate or dislike?... why not move away and fine some other pplz?... or mabbe... there's a bond thing rite?... seee, dats why i wished dere wasn't "atmosphere" in dis world... ehehe.. nmnm.. gtg study for chem now. BIG test tomolow. ciaoz!!!

^_^b

PS second chances are worth believing.

b4 homework starts

woke up at da same usual time on sundai... da onli day i can sleep in. go to skewl 6 days a week, not complaining, but afta social, tiring. newayz, todai was kinda da usual way.. xcept now it's time for the usual time for homework. NOOOOO... ekekeke... =P... i dono.. so bored. gtg study for chem test on tuesday, but i seriously dono wat to study. da tips he gave us about da test are stuff i basically noe... mabbe i should revise da basics.. like da bonds and stuff... don rememba nethin bout dat!... =P.. newayz...

heapsa pplz say they failed physics... so i guess i don hav much to look forward to now!?... hehee.. ah wellz... it'll come.. and then dis semester will pass... then YR 11!!! 0_0... arrrhhh... ehehe.. ah wellz... i'll b concerned lata.. now i'll juz concentrate on my studies. man, S+E test too... dude... so much!... chinese one as well... lucky jap's ova... even thoe i stuffed it up... but hey!... life goes on.

ok.. betta stop babblin on bout nothin and start work!... practice chem... and remember displacemtns!!!... ahhaha.. kkz... i'm a full cherd in dis blog... congratulate me.

d^_^b

DeAtH

todai... same as alwayz, xcept extra EXTRA tired. man, nearly fell asleep in chinese skewl... dat was kinda unkewl man.. (oh no!)... newayz... got an essay competition.. reckon went crap... so let's juz forget and look forward.

relating to da title, well, i was vaccuuming da house... then suddenly... i thought about wat it feelz like when u die. coz u can't get dead pplz to tell u wat it feels like to b dead. so what does it feel like? iz kinda like how its freaky if u think about sleep. when u sleep, there's no memory watsoever. everyday, u lose 7 hours averagely of ur life. no record, no nothin. dat empty space. i find it kinda scary if i think bak like dat... coz... u remember b4 u fell asleep, then u wake up, and then continue ur memory from there. dreams? merely reality. wouldn't death b even more scary, if it's like deep sleep forever?... or somethin else happens? how would u noe if one day, it is deep sleep forever? you wouldn't wake up to tell. you can't look bak like i do now and feel scared. u're not even there.

sometimes, i wonder if i juz think too much. dis blog was kinda disturbin... even to myself. sometimes, i wish i wouldn't think like dat. ehehe... too logical?

^_^""

cheered up

was a bit upset yesterday afta skewl... cried a lil.. but when i got home.. didnt feel like it nemore... ah welz... now it's all good... but still.. there's juz one thing... dis blog entry shall explain...

[juz read da comments... hehee.. tahx ja and ben!... dat was kinda kewl... and btw... JA CALLED ME KEWL!... she even sed i was alwayz kewl! *puts fingers to chin, very kewl*... so yeh.. i guess i have mastered da master and exceled... plz congratulate me... ahahha...]

Well, after another normal skool day, nofin much happened. After reading Ben's most recent blog, I had a feeling, dat is kinda hard to describe. i dono wat it is... but it was "edgy"... dono wat dat meant either. anywayz, a lot of people had their major science test today. i heard dat physics was hard. like ben sed, might as well not study?... well, if u're confident enough and noe ur stuff, i guess studying is unnecessary. everyone streses out totally when there's a test... even pplz who dont seem to care would hav somewhat a bit of butterflies. it's da atmosphere... issit not?... why do pplz get affected by atmosphere?.... why is there atmosphere... where it makes pplz feel happy, unhappy; wanted, unwanted; pressured, not pressured... why?

sometimes i wish dat dere werent such things as "pride", "face" etc. dat pplz live with...wassup wif it newayz?.. especially guys... wat da heck?.. "pride"?... mabbe should learn to mature a lil hey... all it comes down to... iz a male thing, i noe.. but also immaturity of not accepting reality.

^^b